Why Your Highly Intelligent Toddler Resists You

Before we get into the strategies, let’s get one thing clear:

Your toddler isn’t being difficult on purpose. Their brain is still growing and developing, and they are not a grown up.

  • Their prefrontal cortex (the part that manages impulse control, logic, and planning) isn’t fully developed.

  • Their main drive is to test independence and explore their world.

  • They don’t process "because I said so" the way you think they do.

So when they resist, it’s not about you vs. them—it’s about them needing to feel autonomy. And you can give them that while still getting what you need done.

Strategy #1: The 2-Choice Rule

Toddlers resist being told what to do, but they love making decisions. When you offer two choices that both work for you, they feel in control.

How to Use It:

  • Leaving the park → “Do you want to walk to the car or hop like a bunny?”

  • Getting dressed → “Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue one?”

  • Eating meals → “Do you want your apple slices in circles or squares?”

Pro Tip:

  • Never offer a choice you can’t follow through on.

  • Keep the choices simple. Too many options overwhelm them.

What If They Still Say No?

  • Don’t let yourself get in a power struggle. Instead, try giving them control in another way:

    • “Do you want to put your shoes on yourself or do you want my help?”

  • If they still refuse, calmly follow through:

    • "Okay, I see you're not ready. I'm going to help you this time, and next time you can choose."

Strategy #2: The Yes Strategy

Toddlers fixate on what they can’t have. Instead of saying “no,” say “yes” with limits. This prevents them from needing to dig their heels in.

How to Use It:

  • Toddler: “I want a cookie now!”
    Instead of: “No, it’s almost dinner.”
    Say: “Yes! After dinner, you can pick a cookie.”

  • Toddler: “I want to paint!”
    Instead of: “No.”
    Say: “Yes! Let’s set up your paints after snack time.”

Pro Tip:

  • Always follow through. If you say “after dinner,” don’t forget.

  • Saying "yes" this way makes them more likely to accept the boundary.

What If They Keep Asking?

  • Won’t this just teach them they can keep asking until they get what they want?

  • No—this teaches them that boundaries exist but aren’t absolute shut-downs.

    • Toddlers get stuck in an “I want it now” mode. The Yes Strategy gives them an understandable boundary they can wrap their heads around.

Strategy #3: The When-Then Statement

This is one of my favs! Toddlers love predictable patterns. When-Then reinforces their learning cause-and-effect thinking, which makes them feel safe.

How to Use It:

  • Getting in the car → “When we buckle up, then we can listen to music.”

  • Brushing teeth → “When your teeth are brushed, then we can read a story.”

  • Screen time → “When the toys are cleaned up, then we can watch a show.”

Pro Tip:

  • Say it as a fact, not a bribe. Don’t negotiate; just state the reality.

What If They Still Refuse?

  • But what if they still refuse to comply?

  • Don’t argue. Just say, “Oh, you don’t want to? Okay, we won’t be able to do [activity] yet.” And then SIT. Resist your urge to lecture or break the silence. You are a broken stereo on repeattt.

    • Consistency is key—toddlers will test the boundaries, but if you stick with it, they eventually understand. (sooner than you might think.)

Strategy #4: The Playful Choice

Toddlers are wired to run on fun and connection.

How to Use It:

  • Getting dressed → “Should your pants go on like rocket boosters or like a superhero cape?”

  • Brushing teeth → “Should your toothbrush be a race car or a train today?”

  • Cleaning up → “Who can put away the most toys the fastest?”

Pro Tip:

  • If it feels forced, don’t push it. If they’re not in a playful mood, try another strategy!!!

What If They’re Not into Playing Along?

  • “My toddler isn’t into playing along.”
    Response: Some children simply don’t respond as strongly to play. Test it out, but if they remain resistant, consider switching to a when-then statement instead.

Strategy #5: The “First-Then” Approach

Toddlers hate being told what to do immediately, but they respond well when they know what comes next. Give them a heads up about what is coming next (as often as you can without losing your sanity).

How to Use It:

  • Getting dressed → “First socks, then shoes.”

  • Eating → “First three bites, then you can be done.”

  • Getting in the car → “First buckle, then we can listen to music.”

Pro Tip:

  • Don’t over-explain. Keep it short and clear.

What If They Demand the “Then” Part Immediately?

  • What if they say no to ‘first’ but still demand the ‘then’

  • Hold the boundary firmly.

    • “First teeth, then stories. Right now, no teeth means no stories.”

Strategy #6: The “Name It” Strategy

Toddlers need to feel heard before they can move on. Acknowledging their feelings prevents an emotional explosion.

How to Use It:

  • Leaving the playground → “You don’t want to leave. It’s hard to stop playing.”

  • Sharing → “You really wanted that toy. Waiting is tough.”

  • During tantrums → “You’re really mad right now. I hear you.”

Pro Tip:

  • Don’t jump straight to problem-solving. Let them feel heard first, then you redirect their focus.

What If They Continue Acting Out?

  • “I feel like just naming their feelings doesn’t stop the meltdown.”

  • We’re playing the long game here. #1 you still have boundaries for behaviors no matter how they are feeling. #2 naming/narrating for them now is what builds their emotional intelligence over time (years).

Strategy #7: The 3-Second Reset

Toddlers mirror your energy. If you escalate, they escalate. The fastest way to calm them down? Calm yourself first. (I know, I know, not what you wanted to hear and it’s still hard for me some days in the moment, but I don’t make the rules...)

How to Do It:

  1. Unclench your jaw. Relax your shoulders.

  2. Take a slow inhale and exhale.

  3. Remind yourself: “This is hard, but I can handle it.”

Pro Tip:

  • This strategy is for you, not for them. When you stay calm, your toddler will start to calm down, too (more often, at least)

What If It Doesn’t Seem to Work Immediately?

  • Sometimes I just can’t calm down, and my toddler just keeps escalating.

  • Remember, practice makes perfect. It might take a couple of weeks to see the effect. Consistency is key—each calm moment you model teaches your toddler what to expect going forward. If they’re used to big reactions (your frustration, anger, or your over-helping), your calm will take some getting used to and may even feel unsettling (unfamiliar) to them.

How to Handle Pushback from Your Toddler

✔️ Expect resistance—that’s normal toddler behavior.
✔️ Stay consistent—they will test you to see if you mean what you say.
✔️ Don’t engage in power struggles—set the limit, then move on.

The Biggest Parent Mistake:
Giving in once can train them to keep pushing (again, I don’t make the rules. Google ‘intermittent rewards’ in psychological research). Toddlers learn quickly, so if you stick with your boundaries, they’ll start cooperating wayyyyy more over time.