how to get out of power struggle mode

when toddlers get into power struggle mode (ugh, my least favorite mode), they can be so stubborn. i don’t need to explain that to toddler mamas; unfortunately, you know exactly what i am talking about.

here’s what is going on in their brain: fight or flight mode. scientists have seen which parts of their brain “light up” and are activated in a tantrum, and it’s their amygdala. the amygdala is the center in our brain for emotions.

as grown ups, we get to access our “logical brain” when we make decisions. not that we always do, but this part of our brain, called the “frontal lobe” helps us think through the consequences of our actions. it tells us this is what happens when we go with this choice, and this is what happens when we do the other thing.

something we have to realize about toddler is they barely have any access to that logical brain. they LIVE out of their amygdala right now, and it’s not their fault! they’re really not trying to ruin our day. it’s just what develops in the brain first, and it’s where they are at in their life right now.

and when we get this down, the power struggles make more sense.

so if you’re trying to teach a new boundary to your toddler, and they’re fighting it tooth and nail, it’s not worth it to create unnecessary tantrums every day about it.

let’s make a plan instead (because we CAN use our logical brain to help us):

let’s say your toddler is struggling with getting socks and shoes on when it’s time to leave the house.

skills they need:

• knowing what comes next (they need rhythm, not surprises)

• learning to follow multi-step directions (put on socks, then shoes = two things!)

• tolerating frustration without giving up or shutting down

• understanding why we leave at certain times (aka: this is a transition skill)

• trusting that you’re the calm, steady leader in this moment

your plan:

• set the boundary before you even bring up the socks.
  ➝ “we’re getting ready to leave in 5 minutes. socks and shoes are next.”

• offer simple choices to give them a sense of control.
  ➝ “do you want to sit on the couch or the floor to put your shoes on?”

• stay calm when the resistance shows up. don’t over-explain. don’t get taken into the chaos.
  ➝ repeat your cue once, then hold the line. “it’s time for shoes. i’ll help you if you need.”

• connect before you redirect. especially if they’re already dysregulated.
  ➝ “i see you don’t want to leave. you’re having a hard time. i’m right here. let’s get your socks on together.”

• acknowledge their feelings while staying steady in the plan.
  ➝ “it’s okay to be upset. we’re still getting ready to go. i’m here with you.”

this is how you move through a power struggle without creating a war.

you don’t have to fight.
you just have to lead.

and the more you practice this,
the more they’ll learn to follow your calm instead of testing your edge.

that’s the real work.

— kimberlin, feelosophy mama