the time i was out of strategies and he still wouldn’t come out from under the stack of chairs

i was working my first summer as an intern at a day camp for young kids, and it was the first time i was exposed to Social Emotional Learning (SEL). the other interns and i had gone through a couple of weeks of trainings on safety, child development for young kids, and behavior management but done through emotional intelligence instead of random punishments and keeping strict control. i’d never seen a way like this, and i was obsessed.

i had done the expectation of what he was supposed to do, explained it was time to go eat lunch, i had done the countdown, the “or else.” he hadn’t moved or even looked at me.

not only was it unsafe, but he just wasn’t listening and things were escalating. i was getting in a power struggle with a 5 year old. and my mentor came in, and she asked questions where i had made demands and threats to call his grandma (when i had exhausted all of the other options i knew).

i ended up returning to work for this organization the next summer, and the school year after that lead their after school program. these are the years where i was formed in my understanding of toddlers and kids and emotions. i was so fortunate to have mentors who had been doing things this way for years and some even decades, and they were right beside me as i was learning. sometimes they would talk with me after the week was over about what worked and where i needed help. other days they would step in right in the middle of a situation and help me navigate it better. those days are invaluable to me now, and i don’t forget about how lucky i am to have their advice as some of my first teachers in kids and behavior. it’s just how i operate and see the world now. and now i consider it my responsibility to teach mamas the same things. because i know and i have seen firsthand how much this stuff changed my life with little ones.

i’ve seen them melt down over the smallest things with their parents and be completely fine when i tell them no. and not just when i see them in a setting outside of home. i’ve been the nanny that sees them more than their parents do (not an exaggeration). i’ve been the one taking them to doctors appointments and sitting in the waiting room with a bag i packed to be prepared for their boredom and potential meltdowns. i’ve walked out of the mall with a two year old on my side screaming and kicking because i didn’t buy her the toy she saw at the Disney store inside (even though i set expectations that we were not getting a toy today, we got one yesterday at Target). i’ve taught a full classroom of kindergarteners with one yelling at me for (literally, i timed it) two hours straight because i didn’t let him stay outside longer for recess.

and i’ve seen the same kids sit by me and only walk around the specific area i told them they had permission to in the doctor’s waiting area, or only go the parts of the park i told them were the boundaries, even though their mom would take me to the zoo with them because she said, “i can’t keep them all with me in public. they run off.” i’ve had the same two year old that was screaming in the mall come tell me what she needed when she was hungry or needed squeezes to calm down. i’ve had kindergarteners who have a secret hand signal with me that we practice, and by the end of the year are able to show me the hand signal BEFORE they hit someone. he told me, “i’m feeling mad and i wanted to hit, but i didn’t. can you help me?”

these are all word for word stories from the past 10 years, and i know the reason

kids don’t always react the same to the same situation. it depends a lot on the grown up that is with them. and instead of giving your own power away to the person who already knows how to do these things and gets your kids to move through the day more seamlessly than you right now (the nanny, the daycare teacher, the magical Mary Poppins babysitter), it’s a chance for you to learn. 😊

start to see these things as skills that you could learn, too. tantrums, strong boundaries, moving through transitions, setting routines. imagine how it would feel to be the one who knows how to handle them and move from dinner to bath time gracefully. imagine that was your default, and feels like instinct. you don’t even have to think about what an expert on a podcast said were the “perfect” 7 steps to do in a tantrum. you don’t have to memorize and rehearse the perfect meltdown script so that you don’t scar your children for life.

let’s take a lot of the fear out of it. and try to just see it as skill building.

toddlerhood is not for the weak, and you are not weak. you can learn these things, too. you just need someone to learn from. and that is why feelosophy mama exists.

for you, mama.

kimberlin